Children's Season @ S.A.M.

Recently, I brought little Chip out on a bus ride to town. It was late evening and we left home without any destination or programme in mind.

We eventually ended up at the Singapore Art Museum and I was surprised to find the place still buzzing with activity at 6pm. As it turned out, there was an exciting range of programmes planned for that evening because of the Night Festival.

I knew about the Art Garden for a while but we didn't manage to check it out. With our good luck, Chip and I got to do it that evening and it was free admission for all till 2am!


Floribots

Above: Learn about plant life-cycle through Floribots, an award-winning work featuring over 100 giant robot flowers that 'grow' before your very eyes from a bud until they 'bloom' pink and yellow.




Enchanted Forest

Above: The Enchanted Forest where sheep fly and imaginary animals roam freely.



He was not fond of this space made of beautiful illustrations and mixed media creations. But he did take many photos of me here and this one in particular turned out the best.

Daisies

He loved this place and spent a good 20 min chasing the daisies.


Finally, his favourite place of all - Walter's Garden. I waited an hour and 15 min for him here.





He was very imaginative and creative in this space. One moment, he was collecting a single shade cushion and piling them up to look like rocks, then pretending to be a bulldozer shifting rocks around.

The next moment, he was up and running, separating the rocks into two piles and telling everyone that there was an earthquake and the ground was splitting apart.

Now and again, he would hop around like a bunny and calling out to Walter, pretending that Walter (the white bunny) was hiding.

Then he invited another boy to work with him to gather the remaining cushions to create mountains and a special place for the bunny to stay in.

I love the way he imagined the different scenes with what he saw in that space.


At one point, he gathered ALL the kids to work with him! Haha!

I just spent the whole time standing outside the room, grinning from ear to ear, and snapping photos.

By the time we left S.A.M, it was 8.20pm and it was so evident that he had an incredible time!

It is always so wonderful to be able to do simple things like this little trip out, and I enjoy our time together as much as he did.

(Text on the different spaces is taken from the S.A.M. website)

Daily Routine with a 3yr 9mth and 5yr 10mth

Five months left before the year ends and I am feeling awesome! There is so much to be grateful for and I count our blessings everyday. 

While my typical 9 to 5 day remains insanely busy (but I'm sure it is the same for everyone else!),  being productive and efficient contribute a great deal to my happiness! 

I love to be able to acknowledge the fact that, at the end of the day, I have spent my time wisely. It is such a fabulous feeling, which in itself, serves as an adrenaline booster.

As a family, I am pleased that we are juggling our routine really well, despite the fact that I teach 10 hours every weekend. Perhaps because of that, E and I have made extra effort to ensure there is quality family time on weekends to do family activities and outings. Whatever else that I can get done during the week is fitted in nicely, be it kids' play dates, housework, my class preparation and finding time for my own social life. 

It helps that my 3.5 yrs old doesn't attend any enrichment programmes, other than his regular 3-hr daily nursery and the weekly half-hr swim class with his brother. Even though my 5.5 yrs old also attends a piano class (30 min) and art class (60 min) on top of my lapbooking class, there is minimal ferrying to and fro. 

On a weekly basis, I spend a cumulative time of 1 to 2 hours with each boy on home-learning tasks. 

So how does it work? 

For most weeks, Chip sits with me for 1 to 3 sessions per week, each between 20 to 45 min. Sometimes, we may chock up only 60 to 75 min of home-learning a week. Much of this time is spent on the trans-disciplinary thematic activities and lapbooking, similar to what I teach my students (in the lapbooking classes). Some days, we just spend the whole time playing 'special games' which I have designed with specific learning objectives. 

Above: During our learning sessions. I love the way he concentrates on his tasks. 

Marcus has 3 to 4 sessions per week, of 20 to 40 min each time with me, during which he works on whatever that I have set aside for him. 

And that's it. They are done for the week! 

The rest of the time is spent on free-play, drawings, Lego and art/craft; the latter may be initiated by me or the kids. Whenever the kids request to be read to during the day, I oblige and we read for as long as they like.  

The boys still spend an average of 5 to 7 hours on unstructured play everyday, which sometimes include heading outdoor for walks, leisure swim, sand play and visits to playgrounds etc. 

One thing that I avoid doing is to overplan! I don't start off with a master plan or a weekly list. Some people like that, but it doesn't work for me at home. 

For my boys, I adopt a macro-view of learning outcomes to achieve within a certain time-frame (usually 6-months period) and learn to manage with flexibility, while always keeping an eye on the final goal. 

It is not about whether they can read a book or not, or whether they are primary one-ready! 

It is always about raising inquisitive children who are inspired to learn and capable of learning independently.

It is no brainer that kids who have the passion to learn will be more effective learners. And that is provided, of course, that our coaching methods are effective. Then, even if the child spends just 1.5 hrs (cumulative time) a week, you will see results. Results that will boost his confidence enough, for him to want to learn more. 

Which child doesn't want to feel good about himself?   

This routine of home-learning has worked beautifully for us so far. We shall keep to it for another few months. 

Hong Kong: A Trip to Cloud Nine!

I swear I put on weight after indulging in three vacations (Bintan, Langkawi and Hong Kong) between April and June!

For 5 days in June, E and I spent our annual vacation sans kids to the Pearl of the Orient!

I LOVE this nickname of Hong Kong, that never fails to remind me of the allure of the Mikimoto pearls which I shall add to my collection one day. *wink*

Before I digress, let's return to my much delayed documentation of this fabulous vacation of retail therapy and pure gluttony.

YES, I have said it! These were our only two objectives for this trip, besides of course, adding romance and 'oomph' to our marriage. Or as E likes to say 'add a little sexiness!'. :p

But prior to any sexy adventures, we had to satisfy our greediness and growling tummies first, with all the food that we had been pining for. So it was all about Priorities, Priorities!

Straight after we arrived at the very new L'hotel, we dumped our bags in our cosy room and headed out in search for the best siew mai.

This certainly counts as one of the life-long pursuits of my dear hubby and it never fails to amuse me, especially when I consider his utter seriousness on the subject. That said, I am not as big a fan of the fatty siew mai as he is. But I would happily chomp down dozens of har gow anyday while accompanying him. So I get my share of enjoyment on such adventures!

Our first stop. We found these gems at a Chinese hotpot restaurant 不倒翁 at Times Square. Over the next few days, we tried the Siew Mai from different places, but nothing was nearly as good. So on our last day, despite the rush, we made it back here, just so that E could gobble up another few before our flight back!

Striking our 'cliche' pose - something which we have been doing since our earliest 'eating trips' a decade ago in Europe.

Dinner for the first night was at an easygoing roast meat specialty restaurant 二王蛇 at Causeway Bay. We had no recommendations but chose it simply because it looked good enough and near to where we were by dinner time. We ordered roast duck, goose, honey pork and vegetables and they were just D.E.L.I.C.I.O.U.S!

I was real tired by then and it showed on my face! Or maybe it was just unflattering photography!! haha.

The first half of the next day was spent on the Lamma island. We were lured by the promise of mouthwatering seafood, as documented in every guidebook that we have.

Oh lobster, lobster, how I miss you! YUM!!

Now, E and I love lobsters and we eat a lot of these gorgeous creatures whenever we travel, especially if the destinations are renowned for seafood.

The calamari and lobster dishes were sensational! I would order them again if we return in future, even though the lobsters here aren't cheap. For just these three dishes, we were set back S$200. 

After lunch, we headed for a few hours of fashion shopping and late afternoon cafe culture. I love being able to just sit by a cafe, sip my latte and people-watch. It reminds me of the old days we spent in London.

For dinner, we settled for Yung Kee at Wellington Street. I had to try it after reading raving reviews by various people, including Chubby Hubby.

The roast goose leg and egg with X.O. sauce, as recommended by the Chubby Hubby.

We were totally stuffed after just these two dishes. Or at least I thought I was when we walked out of Yung Kee to head back to the hotel.

On a whim, we decided on a little detour just outside our hotel to explore the neighbourhood and as luck would have it, we found a real gem along a small street named the Electric Road! The tiny shop, which has a seating capacity of about 20 pax, sells only Chinese desserts. I remember chuckling at our discovery! :>

My sweet hubby graciously nudged me on to order a bowl, despite my coy protests of being too full to eat anymore. But like a good wife should be (*ahem*), I obediently did what he suggested! :p

It was such a delight to find pages after pages of nothing, but just desserts in the menu. Haha! I was in SWEET HEAVEN!

Here I was at 11.30pm with really sleepy eyes, eagerly trying out a bowl of unknown warm 'goo'! It had some odd assortment of beans which I absolutely love and when I was done with the small bowl, I wished there was more! So much for being TOO FULL!

Now, I shall not hide the fact that we returned EVERY night after that, just so that I could have a bowl to end each vacation day on a sweet note. :>

I woke the next day, craving hot soup and noodles, so that was the first item on the day's agenda.

We found this really decent (sparkling clean) eating house near to our hotel which served Yunnan cuisine and their specialties were noodles. That suited us just fine! I ordered the house specialty, which arrived in a bowl, much to my delight, the size of a small basin! I polished it off, with a little help from E. Yup! :>

A few hours later, we chanced upon this eatery on a busy street (whose name I can't remember anymore). What caught our eyes was its irresistable display of aromatic meat and business was real brisk at 4.30pm. It was hard not to notice the big quantities that customers were queueing up to buy, and that really piqued our interest.

We gave in to temptations and shared a roast pigeon. And that was right after I had a huge latte and a slice of cake at Starbucks. Tsk tsk tsk! But it was all worth it!

Dinner was supposed to be Sichuan and Shanghainese food at the Yellow Door Kitchen. But we had to give up the table we reserved as we were simply not hungry enough to stomach the eight-courses set meal by dinnertime. Yeah, we blamed the pigeon we ate! 

By the time the bird was digested, we were off seeking dinner options again. We still wanted some Sichuan or Northern Chinese cuisine for dinner but couldn't find anything fascinating. In the end, we settled for a place that served Beijing cuisine on a busy street.

It was jam-packed with locals and the food was great and reasonably priced, but I don't think we hit the jackpot. 

The last day was spent making last-minute visits to places to pick up stuff and a final search for the best dim sum before returning to the first Chinese hotpot place in Times Square. We did make an effort to a yum cha restaurant early in the morning but it was a disappointment, despite its popularity with locals and long-standing history of 80 years.

 

Phew! That was the longest post on food I've ever written. We sure ate an incredible amount in those few days and I had more roast meat on this trip than I ever had in a typical 6 months! 

Luckily, I have lost all the extra 'baggage' since our return. *smile*

As for the shopping, there were some fabulous finds at great sale prices, but I also splurged on a set of jewellery from Jan Logan. When I first set my eyes on them, they totally took my breath away. After admiring them for more than brief moments, I decided to toss all logic out of the window (for the prices were a little too unexpected) and treat myself. After all, I work hard! So why not?! 

It is probably one of those heirloom pieces which I shall pass down to my future daughter-in-law, if they were still in good shape then. :>

So there we are.... a truly fruitful trip! 

Bento #42

Every week, my boys will bug me to make them a bento lunch to take to school.

Chipsy has never been fond of the lunch served since day one. But the teachers told me he would dutifully eat a small bowl, sometimes leaving behind the pieces that he dislikes. I know my son well, so I know which are the pieces that he leaves untouched - the yucky fishcake! Truth be told, I am glad he scoffs at them. :>

Though Marcus loved the food from school in the beginning (because he gets to eat fishcake and crappy sausage in school which I don't serve) and was reported to eat as many as 3 (small) bowls each day, the novelty is now gone. I guess there is only so much crappy fishcake and sausage a child can eat! So it is now back to ONE teeny bowl a day.

A few months ago, I started making them an occasional bento for lunch, whenever I can spare a little time during our crazy mornings. Ever since, the boys have been asking for it more often.

They have lots of ideas of what to include in their lunchboxes and sometimes I feel a tinge of guilt for not giving in. I know it sounds crazy to even consider feeling guilty. After all, I always make sure they get nutritious breakfast and a good snack after school to make up for the lousy food they have at lunch.

But they often looked at me with such sweet faces and cute expressions with their 'Mummy, can we bring a bento to school today please? Can I have xxx in my lunch? Please, Mummy?'

Here is a recent bento I made when I went the 'extra mile' to make them happy. 


Stir-fried vegetables, with garlic prawns and onigiri made with Japanese short-grain rice and topped with white sesame seeds.

They were small-sized because the kids have only 20 min to eat and my boys are fairly slow eaters. Especially Marcus who 'counts his grains on each spoon', much to everyone's annoyance! :>

Soon, I will have to get back to the habit of making a bento every morning for Marcus to take to school. 

See all my previous bentos here.

Window Shopping

When Marcus wants something... 

Marcus: Why didn't Santa Claus get it right last year? Actually I wanted this XXX for my Christmas present! *sulking face*

Me (in a firm voice): No. I remember what you asked for and you got exactly what you wanted. 

Marcus: No!! That Lego train set was NOT what I wanted! I had wanted THIS! You see, look at this!! (flashing teary eyes and sad face)

Me: You would have to write to Santa this year and tell him this is what you want. 

When Chipsy wants something... 

Chip: Mummy, let's buy this! 

Me: No. We have lots of similar ones at home. 

Chip: But I like it! Where is your money? 

Me: I have no money. Where is YOUR money? 

Chip: I have NO money. I AM A BOY! Boys have NO money. Adults have money. Where is YOUR money? 

Me: I have no money. So we cannot buy it today. 

Chip: I go ask daddy. Daddy has a lot of money. 

Haha! 

3.5 years old Chipsy reads 'A Color of His Own'

32 pages in total. 

That cheeky boy attempted to add his own 'drama' element of sad voice and smiling face. Haha! 

This video shall be a precious memento, just like the lapbook we made together that encompasses plenty of trans-disciplinary thematic activities. 

The first time he saw the video on Youtube, he had a giant grin. Throughout the next few minutes, he chuckled so often watching himself.  :)

I am a BOY. Hear me ROAR!

Performing his stunts at home: running up and down our little corridor to show me how fast his legs can take him.

It was pure joy and pride that I felt in the 10 minutes of watching my little boy. I celebrated with smiles and hugs and reminded myself that my baby has grown and will soon be too big to even want to impress me with such stunts.

For the longest time that I can remember, my 3.5 years old will proudly announce to family and strangers alike, at the drop of a hat, claims such as:

I'm the strongest boy in the world!

I can run so fast from here to there.. I will show you!

I can carry you over my head and throw you (or anyone/anything he doesn't like) down the window (or anything else that comes to mind).

I can do this (and that) even better than anyone else in the world!
etc etc ....

Those who don't understand kids may see this as boasting or even annoying behaviour of a boisterous boy. That is the stereotype of boys in most people's minds anyway.

I used to see red at the slightest hint of any criticisms of my boys, especially from people who have limited experience with them and yet judged too quickly.

It is all too easy to just let my mother bear instincts take over and challenge their stereotypical views.

But I question myself after a while, the reasons for even caring about what these people think. Most whom I have encountered are not exactly role models in my opinion.

So I decided to just shrug off the comments from this ignorant breed if they dared whisper them into my face, regardless if they were fueled by concern, jealousy or plain stupidity and reply with a mega smile and my most sincere declaration of 'Oh I love his expressions! He is full of energy and life and as long as he is not causing havoc, it is perfectly fine.' *BIG SMILE*

Truth be told, I beg to differ at the use of 'boisterous' to label my child. 'How much time have you spent with him to call him that?', I will ask politely. 

'Active?' Maybe. 'Hyperactive?' Nah! Go check the definition of this word before using it!

Someone close to us refers to Chipsy as 'boisterous' very often, but I know she means no ill intention, so I give her the benefit of the doubt and categorize her as someone who needs a better lesson in vocabulary.

To this mummy, my 3.5 years old is behaving like what a child his age will and should: living fully in the moment with all his energy and passion! 

I would continue to encourage him to express his opinions about his world, as seen through his lens. 

His display of enthuasiam and fun-loving nature should be celebrated and not penalized.

I know there is an expiry date for this phase. So I try my best to savour TODAY with him, on each and every day. 

When the day is done and I know that I have done well appreciating the joys of motherhood and all that my child wants to give, I feel a huge sense of accomplishment.

That is plain gratitude. 

Craft: Making Wall.E Robot with Recycled Materials

Everyone, please meet the new member of our family! *smile*

Ever since the day my boys watched Wall.E for the first time and promptly produced some fantastic drawings of this adorable invention (and more here), I knew we have to make a Wall.E just to make them smile. 

I thought of the design for a long time and couldn't find suitable materials for all the parts. After a few months of saving a bag of empty yogurt pots, some boxes of different sizes, corrugated cardboards and paper rolls, we finally sat down to complete it. 

Wall.E was assembled (with a LOT of help from me in the stapling and taping of parts) and painted over several evenings and finally, two weeks ago, we sighed a relief to see him completed. 

We have very few photos of the creation process as all our 3 pairs of hands (kids' and mine) were too full experimenting the different ways to assemble the materials for a realistic look.

After Chipsy painted the Wall.E, Marcus wanted to make the flap. As Chipsy put it, without the flap, how can Wall.E crush the garbage and hence be useful? True... hmm.. 

But by then, I was too tired and brain-dead to think of what else we can use as a flap that can open and close and ideally covers a squarish hollow in Wall.E's body. So I persuaded Marcus to just draw in the flap with a marker. Heehee... 

The strange thing is, a fortnight has passed but the kids still think Wall.E is too precious for any rough play. It just sits cosily in a corner of our living room greeting the boys everyday and they just refer to it with polite grins. 

I hope the kids will get over its delicate features soon and take it around for some imaginery play. After all, it is a robot, or supposed to be.

The sooner the parts come loose, the earlier I can replace it with some other 3-dimensional crafts that usually take up too much real estate. For now, Chipsy has decided that he wants to keep Wall.E for at least another 18 years. Hmmm... I hope not!  

Now that we are so in love with 3-D crafts, we have attempted another one. One more step to completion before I blog about it. Then we can go on to make our next one, once I can set aside some 4-6 hours of carefree time. 

Parenting Thoughts: To Whack or Not?

A while back, my hubby forwarded this article to me on the positive effects of spanking.

I always try to be open-minded on parenting issues, so I clicked it and read it all. Interesting..... BUT...

because of my own upbringing, I have very strong stance on this sensitive issue.

While my own views of the long-term consequences and negative effects are NOT as extreme as those claimed in some research, I don't share the belief of 'spare the rod and spoil the child'.

A few years ago, a bachelor friend W, whom I know since our teenage days, shared his firm views that a child should be whacked, spanked and smacked if he isn't obedient. He thinks there is nothing wrong with caning a child to gain his attention and teach him lessons 'for his own good'.

We ended up with a friendly but heated debate, something which we often do. (He is such a great opponent, being professionally trained as a legal counsel and being as opinionated as I am, it is always very intellectually stimulating to talk to him.)

I left that meeting thinking that he will change his mind when he becomes a parent himself.

I don't think parents should be locked up or punished for disciplining their own kids; such extreme measures as lobbied by certain fractions of people in some countries would send a very wrong message to the children.

However, it is realistic to say that many people have anger management issues and it is often too easy to take it out on very young and helpless kids once we let 'all hell break loose' with a cane or disciplining tool.

Once we start caning, where do you draw the line? What misbehavior warrant physical pain as punishment and what don't? Do we start making a list for parents and kids to memorize? Are there some misdeeds that require two or more 'strikes' or would just one hit suffice regardless of the severity of the actions?

The problem is once we let ourselves start caning (or slapping or pinching etc), it is so easy to get carried away by our own anger with the child. As a result, there is always a good chance that we may end up delivering tougher sentences on our child that we may regret later.

There is enough hype over the possible psychological and emotional scars suffered by kids who received frequent physical punishment. So I don't intend to add on it.

I am more perplexed by the immediate lesson that we teach our kids when we hit them. 

Are we telling them with our actions that violence is permitted because we are adults (and supposed to know right from wrong), or that we can hit because we are upset with that person? Or is our action telling them that it is okay to hit the person if that person has done something wrong? 

These are definitely NOT the lessons that I want to teach my boys. 

The reason this issue even came up was because there was a tough period last year when it was exasperating to cope with my 5 y.o.'s  tantrums on a daily basis. My dear hubby, like all good husbands would do, tried to recommend solutions. While he didn't rush out to buy a cane, he tried to convince me that a harsher physical punishment (i.e. a slap on the thigh) may just be what the boy needed to behave better. 

I listened to his arguments but they didn't win me over. However, I couldn't convince him that reasoning and/or scolding is the way to go either. 

For a week or so, we reacted differently whenever M drove us up the wall. My tempers flew but I couldn't bring myself to smack him. E, on the other hand, practised what he preached and delivered his version of discipline with slaps on the thighs.  I cringed every time watching him and had to intervene on a few occasions. 

It didn't take long before I noticed something else brewing in the daytime. My 3 y.o. started complaining on a daily basis that his older brother hit him on the limbs whenever they had conflicts. 

I was angry at first to find my usually mild-mannered boy resorting to violence to express himself. I gave him a good scolding every time it happened, followed by a calmer talk when I cooled down. 

It took me a few days to realize the correlation. 

I sat the daddy down to re-address the situation. My persuasion worked this time and we agreed that we just have to keep at our efforts of using words, no matter how tiring it is and futile it may seemed at first. 

To say that it was a exhausting period was a gross understatement. For both of us really. And I am sure it wasn't an easy time for Marcus too. Or for Chipsy who bore the brunt of his older brother's frustration. 

However, the efforts paid off. Two weeks later, M stopped expressing his anger and frustration at play time with a slap on Chipsy's limbs. He went back to using words. I also suggested many acceptable outlets for him to vent to help him manage his feelings better. 

Surprisingly, he didn't really need them. In the end, he was soothed most by my empathy and a more patient listening ear. The tantrums became less frequent and a lot milder. 

It was a valuable parenting lesson for us both.

Craft: Handprint Rooster

Another of those crafts we made last year for one of our literature-based lapbooks. 

Can you say 'comb' and 'wattle'?  

My 3 years old had so much fun making his rooster and getting his hands 'dirty'. Especially when it involved some tearing, painting, printing, cutting and pasting.

I love the way his face would light up when the craft was finished. That sense of pride is precious! 

After our holidays and hiatus from creating with our hands, I am in the mood for crafts. Or shall I say itching?

So in a span of 5 minutes over a cuppa, I made a quick list of 12 crafts to attempt. Hopefully, a craft a day.... 

Watch this space! :) 

Last Night with the Wincklers

1st July, Cafe Iguana. 

Bursting with Curiosity

Learning through play. 

This was one of the activities Chipsy did for a literature-based lapbook that we made together earlier this year.

I used the same literature in some of my Bright Minds Lapbookers classes and the kids made a comprehensive lapbook in 7.5 hrs of lessons. 

Chipsy made the same lapbook at home with me, and we added more trans-disciplinary thematic activities with another 4 - 5 hours of lesson time. 

I love the way he asked questions related to the themes introduced. Sometimes the questions were fired immediately. Other times, they may come days or weeks later, just out of the blue. Which shows that he reflects on the content taught even after the lessons are over. 

A short list of what he has asked (that I can still remember now) related to this lapbooking theme:

What are inside our eyes? 

Why do we need two eyes? Why not just one big eye in the centre like Mikey (referring to the green monster in Monsters Inc)?

What are our bones made of? 

etc... 

I simply enjoy stimulating my boys' imagination and watch them burst with curiosity.

Nothing excites me more than listening to them shooting off questions on this and that and wondering out loud.

My 3.5 years old has been asking phenomenal number of questions lately. Even though he started asking questions a long time ago, what I notice is the change in the types of questions he asks now.

Just the other day, while brushing teeth, he asked 'What are eggs made of?'. When I replied 'protein', he wanted to know 'What is protein made of?' .... and so on... till I don't know anymore.

Now, I have to go find out and then think of how to explain it all to him in ways that he will appreciate. 

Yesterday, I overheard both boys asking E some questions that resulted in the daddy explaining about 'cells', 'membranes' and DNA! Not sure how well that went, since even I have difficulty comprehending it all. 

I can't be more thankful for their hunger for knowledge which inspires and motivates me to keep learning myself. 

It is a good feeling to know that I am learning and evolving with them. 

Craft: Flowers in the Morning

Little Chip wanted to paint some flowers with the sun rising in the background.

Instead of painting flowers directly onto the paper, I introduced some paper rolls.

The cutie couldn't wait to add colors to his flowers.

I love his finished product - so bright and cheerful, the way mornings should be! 

We are always pleased to give the so-called 'junk' a second life. :) 

More craft with recycled materials coming up! 

When There Is No Turning Back

I have learnt, a long time ago, not to regret decisions that I have made. 

Regret is a useless feeling. It doesn't improve or add value to any situation, nor does it make me feel any better.  

So as I mature, I regret (a lot) less. No matter how bad a decision turned out to be later, I would try to see it from a positive perspective and take it as a learning experience. It helps me to be productive. To keep moving forward in life and make progress. 

There is no point crying over spilt milk. The belief has worked wonders so far, until I made this terrible decision a while back.

It was the toughest one I ever have to make. Back then, the pros and cons were weighed as best as I could and all factors considered over and over. Everything was as clear as crystal in my mind. But only in my mind. My guts told me otherwise. My heart didn't seem to agree either. I remember feeling something else, something that I couldn't pinpoint. Like an omen. A sign. But I was not sure what the sign was. All I could feel was confusion and panic. I just couldn't figure it out. 

I remember looking out of my window every morning, wondering what to do. 

The very few people I talked to were empathic, but at the end of the day, it was a decision that I had to make on my own. The consequences were mine, and mine alone. 

Finally, I decided. With a very heavy heart.

At first, I thought I could convince myself, if the feeling of regret ever surfaced, that I made the right and most rational decision given the circumstances then. 

But over time, I realized how horribly wrong and naive that was. It just doesn't work this time.

 

Justifying my decision helped a little, for a while. But when I am alone and totally truthful to myself, I wish I had decided differently. 

Unfortunately, there is no turning back. Ever. And this is what totally breaks my heart. 

There is absolutely NOTHING that I can do about it. I knew it back then, so why am I killing myself over it now?

What's done may be done, and to some who are capable of moving on (like how I always was able to do), they probably put a lid on the memory and never ever mentioned it again. But I just can't do it. Maybe not yet. The triggers are everywhere and the tears often come at the most inconvenient moments.

I don't know if there will come a day when I will not be affected by it anymore. To be able to let it go entirely and be at peace with myself.  

But sometimes I think I don't really want to be at peace. Maybe I want to always remember that I had made a wrong choice. Perhaps that is the least that I could do to right the wrong.